Sunday, February 5, 2012

like a child or somethings

mama's also working on her new novel, The hater's winter, & it is so different & so minimal & so alien from Homegirl! it's like mama burned through words with Homegirl! & now she's left with carbon & the carbon's been pressed so tighttighttight each word cuts & each word blooddiamonds.

mama's not bragging; mama's trying to account for her feelings.

mama's been left bleeding, yo.

mama loved the writing of Homegirl! mama was in love. mama thought about Homegirl every day. about what Homegirl was doing & how Homegirl was gonna get out of the shit & how Homegirl & Punkboy were gonna make it & then...

then mama finished writing her novel & it was like she'd just lost her closestest friend.

mama was happy to see Homegirl! go out in the world. mama was happysohappy to get her novel published; don't get mama wrong. mama may be angsty at times but she doesn't just write for herself & when she's feeling angsty she's got the moonshines & the porch & the shotgun & the alabamaz skies...

maybe this is how the parents that are so close to their childrens feel when they leave for college. you can't protect them anymore. you can't think about what they are doing at all times cos they may be doing things you don't approve of like sucking up to teachers and being on time for all their classes & studying on the weekends & attending the churches & protesting puppies or they may be doing things you approve of like smoking the gangas in a cemetery or making friends with that hot guy cos they wanna bone him or skipping class cos they wanna experience a rave or even a Party Barn...


or maybe they wanna do things you've never thought of like sucking the nipples of amphibian-men or getting vaginal tatts or dorm-orgying or becoming a baker or a coppersmith or a rattler-handler or...

mama doesn't know if you've ever felt the same way. mama doesn't know if you've ever finished a book or a project or had a kid & then started another or had another & just didn't feel the same way...

sorry, kid, if your mama don't love you the same.

but, that's how the humans roll. there are different kinds of love. maybe the love mama has for this novel is different but maybe it'll be just as strong.

mama's hoping, yo.

yours,
ryder

1 comment:

  1. It's like that.

    You end up pregnant sooner than you wanted. Cause you wanted optimal time between sibs so Eldest could be all progeny. Then you end up with PPD and Son has colic for five months straight and no one invites you around anymore cause two kids ain't cute and two carseats means you had to buy the van and just when you thought you were gonna break and you shaved you head and everything, BAM! You fall in love again.

    It'll be fine, Mama. You'll see.

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