Thursday, July 12, 2012

mama's dating tips #1

mama's thinking about going on the okcupids... would it be weird if mama's handle was bigbertha? & if you don't know that's a reference from Rhys' Wide Sargasso Sea get off your computer & go read some real books, son!

(mama is all about the self-deprecations but not the self-defecations, yo.)

mama has been thinking about this dating thing recently. i've been re-examinings the interactions between the peeps who wants to get it on, especially vis a vis mama & the peeps she's done. i've been wondering why it's so hard to find someone you want to fuck three xs a day for a longlong time?

if you have the same question, perhaps mama's tips can help you... perhaps you should read mama's tips & then do the exact opposite of all of them


1. if you are thinking about doing the kissykiss liplocked tonguey wormcave biteybite thing with someone be sure to ask him or her or them if they have ever touched, fondled, petted, kissed, tongued, or eaten an ARMADILLO. this is not a euphemism to find out if they are a virgin (who the fuck cares about that besides whiteboys who don't like vaginas cos they are actually repressing homoerotic desires). the armadillo is never an euphemism, yo. 20% of armadillos in the US carry leprosy. you, as a human being who thinks you are so fucking great cos you can walk upright & know the ironic difference between Pabst & Hamm's, can contract motherfucking leprosy from touching or eating an armadillo. you can then spread your leprosy through your saliva.

that's right kiddies, through the salivas. that wet shit that gets exchanged through the face to face thing unless you are sweet unicornrepressedhipster butterfly kissing.

#1 question to ask now after lastcall, for reals...

yours in luv,

hold yer hands in hallelujah/ mama's gonna give it to ya...

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