Saturday, October 2, 2010

let's you want to be punched in the face?

 if so, here are the things to do

if not, you can read on so you know what not to do, or you can go read some things more interestings.

i will number the things sequentially, cos i'm not hipster nuff to pretend like there's no method behind the non-method.

1) be an old biddy. be an old biddy who's behind me in line at a local subdivision of a corporate monolith. be the old biddy that looks at my pile of stuf on the counter and says, everybody's buying socks. and look proud of yourself for this wittyass remark. you've got this look like the minpin right after he shredded my old socks. be the old biddy behind me in line who says to the cashier, everybody's buying socks! this time with an exclamation point. live the old biddy; breathe the old biddy; maybe some day you will be the old biddy.

 i will not cos i'm fixing on starting up some mega habits like heroin and opium and restarting others when i'm old so i'll be too fucked up to be a biddy.

be the old biddy who says as i'm walking away with a free pair of running shoes in my bag, to the cashier, you didn't ring up the shoes.

fuck you old biddy fuck you.

here i am feeling like it's my birthday early; here i am feeling like the MAN's just given me a bday present. here i am all happy walking away with new running shoes. old biddy. i bet in your last life you were part of the temperance movement. you wants to take up all the funs. you wants to shred the funs.

you can't stand to see anyone have any funs cos you're old and you wear michael kors knock-off separates and you don't get laid anymore and you don't know what to do with all that pent up tension so you go to church and sit in judgment and pray that no one notices your overbite cos all thru your sad small life you just wanted to be thought pretty. just once.

this is already getting long & yeah, i'm all about stating the obvious...not even to #2, so i'll skip to 5 cos i'm not a hipster but I lie.

5) say you are a poet. say you are a poet. say it. say it.

6) mafia slap me in a bar. wait no, oh wait. that's my m.o. to get punched.

7) tell me a made up story about how you were a dick at the bar and sat in someone else's seat so they'd get pissed off so they'd hit you upside yo head with a highball cos i just told you my mafia slap story, motherfucker, & you always gots to one ups me.

8) everybody's buying socks!

9) youtubing & thought i was gonna see some hardcore anime porn or at least some s&m or at least some 9 1/2 weeks anime allusions to s&m, but all i got was maroon 5 and a montage...

10) here is some hot anime sex

11) now you want to punch me in the face. no? wait til i mafia slap you at the bar.

12) drive a souped up pickup or jeep with that row of lights on top that's made for hunting down fugitives or rape victims and drive that car like the confederate cowboy you are up onto my lawn. drive it up to my bedroom window and shout something like, whooey, or, i'm drunk, or, balls, or, i see cunts, while i'm trying to sleep off the bottle of wine i just drank cos i wanted to pass out early before the confederate cowboys came round and started burning witches and burning bitches and burning burning up my backyard.

13) say you need me. say you need me. say it. say it.



  1. Remind me not to go to your backyard. I's flammable.

  2. we can get em first & have a big ole cowboy bonfire. after we get our tatts...